I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize