i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
