He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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