don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
