8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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