do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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