My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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