just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
