can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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