I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
