What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
