Cold hands, warm shart.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
