I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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