why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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