whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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