god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
