there's paper in my vomit.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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