paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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