I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
