If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
