i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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