I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
