I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
