you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
