Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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