Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
