I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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