Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
