I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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