also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she peed on how many people?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
