farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
