dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
