walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
