A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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