Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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