I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
