These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
