Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize