so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
