I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize