the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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