I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
