remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
