sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
