I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
as a side note pls kill me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
