the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
