Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
time to smoke my breakfast
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
