girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
