oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize