I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
