so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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