After last night, I could never be a politician.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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