I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
