And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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