omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
