I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
as a side note pls kill me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
