I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize