i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's rum buckets o'clock
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
