So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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