she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
