I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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