I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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