After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
