I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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